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Articles for Parents to read and consider

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Articles for Parents to read and consider - Page 2 Empty Re: Articles for Parents to read and consider

Post by Tiki-taka 29/10/13, 10:47 pm

4-3-3 wrote:I like most of what Gary is saying here  and agree with the need to focus on better technical coaching.

Also appreciate how he holds coaches accountable for the problem and the solution.  Do wish he would've named the secure clubs that are these oasis of  technical development.
And the comments on the Referee's are pretty spot on.

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Post by DDPlays4Snacks 30/10/13, 01:19 pm

I find snacks and ice cream still do the trick, if only I could get her orange slices at half times, all would be right with the world! LOL

flower
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Articles for Parents to read and consider - Page 2 Empty R.O.O.T.S

Post by Tiki-taka 05/11/13, 09:00 am

Honoring The Game
Responsible Sport Parents want to do everything in their power to make sure their children’s youth sports experience is positive. Therefore, they conduct themselves by a code called “Honoring the Game.” To remember components of this code, use the acronym ROOTS, which stands for Rules, Opponents, Officials, Teammates and Self.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why ROOTS Matters
Unfortunately, youth sports today can sometimes be a sea of volatile emotions.  Sadly some adults and athletes still have a win-at-all-cost mentality.  And the heat of competition can sometimes bring out the worst in both adults and kids.  

But members of the Responsible Sports community – parents and coaches – work hard to Honor The Game and teach the principles of ROOTS to our young athletes.  

The Elements Of ROOTS
◦Rules. Responsible Sport Parents refuse to bend or break the rules, even if you think you can get away with it.

◦Opponents. Recognize that a worthy opponent brings out our best and take a "fierce-yet-friendly" attitude into competition. Teach your children that when a whistle blows, help downed opponents to their feet. After games, win or lose, shake their hands, look them in the eye and congratulate them on a game well-played. And consider emulating the principle yourself by shaking the hands of the parents of the opposing players.  Talk about setting a great example for your kids!
◦Officials. Respect officials even when you disagree with them. It’s tempting to join the chorus of criticism for the officials, but stop and think: what good can really come from this.  You may not realize it, but your kids have a special ear for your yelling in the stands and in some cases can find themselves humiliated or embarrassed by your yelling.  And remind yourself: officials are people too, trying to do the best they can.
◦Teammates. When you talk to your kids about ROOTS, teach them that they should never do anything to embarrass your team (on or off the field). Do what we can to lift teammates up and help them reach their potential. Being a good teammate means also being a good person.
◦Self. Live up to your own standards of Honoring the Game, even when others don't. If the opposing players, coaches or parents act out or somehow disrespect the game, remind your athlete that they still must not.

Tools for Honoring the Game
Work hard to serve  as an example of Honoring The Game with your own behavior, and maybe even reminding other parents to Honor the Game. Here are some tools to help you.


◦Self-Control Routine. It helps to have -- and actually practice or rehearse -- a self-control routine. For example:


■take a deep breath

■remind yourself of the discipline required NOT to react

■engage in self-talk ("I need to be a role model. I can rise above this!")

■turn away from the action

■count to 20 (or 50!)

■try to return to enjoying the game and cheering on your children and others.


Later, you can use the experience as a teachable moment with your children: "I was pretty upset with what happened, but I controlled myself so I wouldn't do anything that would dishonor the game. And that's an important lesson I want you to learn from sports -- how to develop your own self-control so you will always Honor the Game no matter what."


◦Teachable Moments from Televised Sports.  You can use  professional sports --positive or negative examples--as teachable moments,. When an incident occurs, whether something covered in the media, or something you and your children experience during their own games, let your kids know what you think about it.

Better yet, ask them to talk about it even before offering your opinion. If our kids come to the conclusion that something is or isn't Honoring the Game and put it into their own words, they are more likely to retain what they have learned.

Anything from a pro sports brawl to exemplary sportsmanship can serve to start a conversation. If you ignore negative incidents, your children may take it as an approval of the misbehavior. Make it clear: “I know you look up to that athlete, but fighting on the field is not acceptable under any circumstances. I expect you to never be involved in anything like that.

Game-DayTips.
The following tips can help you and your child Honor The Game on game-day.

◦Before the Game

■Tell your children you are proud of them regardless of how well they play.
■Tell them to play hard and have fun and remind them that  being nervous is normal.
■Commit to Honoring the Game no matter what others do.



◦During the Game

■Let the coaches coach. Avoid instructing your child (or other players).

■Fill your child's (and teammates') Emotional Tanks.

■Cheer good plays and good efforts by both teams.



◦After the Game

■Thank the officials for doing a difficult job.

■Thank the coaches for their effort.

■Remind your child that you are proud of him or her-especially if the game didn't go well!


Finally, remember how important sports are to your children. Remember all of the valuable learning opportunities sports offer. Keep that in perspective, and there is very little that can happen during competition to upset you so much that you would mar your children’s experience. When you keep your eye on the Big Picture of all the good that can come from youth sports it is much easier to Honor the Game!
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Articles for Parents to read and consider - Page 2 Empty Creating the Perfect Athlete

Post by Tiki-taka 13/01/14, 04:40 pm

Creating the Perfect Athlete
By Susan Boyd
For USYouthSoccer.org



A filmmaker and two doctors approached the subject of parents looking to create exceptional children through training, discipline and sheer force of desire. Beginning the discussion was Peter Berg, who directed the film "Friday Night Lights." His first topic on his sports-related documentary series "State of Play" on HBO was titled "Trophy Kids." He looked at four parents and five kids across the sports of football, basketball, golf and tennis.

The one-hour program was difficult to watch, showcasing overbearing parents pressuring their kids to aspire to the highest pinnacle of their sports. What we have regarded as stereotypes of “Type A” parenting played out over that hour to a frightening level.

A father swore unrelentingly at the referees and blamed many of his child’s basketball losses on the "95 percent of lousy officiating." The father of a 10-year-old golfer questioned officials on the legality of undue help he felt other parents were giving their children during a tournament, and cursed at his daughter under his breath when she failed to make the green. She probably didn’t hear the word, but she certainly got the message through his vocalizations and body language. At one point, he accused her of embarrassing him and threatened to "slap her across the face" if she didn’t do what he demanded.


A football father berated his son after every game for all his failings and for not being in the coach’s face to find out why he was benched. He generated his own before-school practices for his son and then yanked him around by his gear to get him to do what he wanted. A mother felt her two tennis sons had a talent given to them by God that she had a covenant to develop. She believed they would be the best doubles players ever, because they were ordained by God to prove His power.

What was most telling was the follow-up the filmmaker had four months after the primary filming. We learn the basketball player’s father readily admits that he could probably "have bought two Lamborghinis" with the money he spent privately training his son. The goal was a Division-I basketball scholarship; however, the offer he received was a five-year scholarship with a Division-II school.

The golfing daughter finally won a tournament where parents were not allowed on the course, but she still had not procured a sponsor, even though players much younger already had. The football player left his father’s home in Los Angeles and moved in with his mother in Seattle because, as he said, "My dad wasn’t a dad; he was a coach." The tennis players entered high school, tried out for the team and were put on the J.V. squad.

All of those footnotes highlighted that what the parents saw in their kids was rarely the reality of their talent. The basketball player was skilled at three-point shots, but that alone couldn’t sustain him at the next level, where defense, teamwork and speed on the court have equal importance. The football player was a tentative athlete at best and would probably never move beyond high school, no matter how driven his father was. The young man just didn’t have the heart of an elite athlete and certainly lacked many of the necessary skills. The tennis players, despite tons of extra practice, hadn’t risen to the level of exceptional. As a golfer, the young woman in the film had determination and some apparent skills, but she was still overshadowed by players two or three years younger, which did not bode well for her future at the top level of the sport.

The saddest part of the documentary was the lack of evident love and pride from these parents towards their children. The golfer’s father admitted in a voice-over that he was tremendously proud of his daughter and what she had achieved thus far, but he couldn’t let her know – not until "they" had accomplished the goals necessary to put her on top – because it would undercut her development. Mom couldn’t praise her sons because their tennis skills came not from them, but from God. They didn’t deserve the honor.


All his father could muster toward the football player was screaming at his son that if he didn’t love him he wouldn’t care at all what he did and not demand excellence of him. Love was supposedly demonstrated through harsh, demeaning judgment because it was making his son a man. The last image of the basketball player shows his father hugging him right after his team won the state championship. In a voice over the father states how the win gave him a reason to love his son.

While most of us aren’t as crazed or unforgiving as these four parents, who were obviously selected to make some strong points about sports direction, we all must admit that we have fallen prey to elements in the film. We may have questioned our child’s commitment to the sport, or drilled her about errors made on the field, or demanded that our sons speak up to coaches.

Our desire for our kids to succeed creates blinders to how good our children really are. When we believe them to be exceptional, we find ourselves incredulous that coaches and scouts don’t see the same thing. We may compare our children to other players on the team: "You’re faster than Jody. Why don’t you show it?" or, "How come you always let Sammy take the shot?"

While we may profess that we are just happy that our kids are playing a sport they enjoy, we all secretly harbor the dream that our son or daughter will be on the next Olympic team. That dream can make us expect unrealistic play and outcomes. With those expectations will come criticism, as if we could mold our child into that perfect, elite prodigy that writes the next great symphony, stars on Broadway, signs a $24 million contract with the Boston Red Sox, or invents the next Apple computer. We will push, cajole, beg, demean, discipline and intervene in an attempt to ensure that our child achieves at a level higher than he or she is capable of.

One of the doctors joining in on this discussion is Drew Pinsky, an internist who is also an addiction specialist. He has coined the phrase, "narcissistic parenting" to encapsulate these behaviors demonstrated in "Trophy Kids." He argues that it isn’t just a desire to live vicariously through our children’s accomplishments that makes a narcissistic parent. That’s a component, but he explains that it actually stems from our unwillingness to be seen as anything less than perfect in our abilities to manufacture the ideal child. We want people to believe that we have some exceptional parenting talent which anoints us with children skilled beyond all others.

This belief that, as parents, we are gifted in our parenting, means that our children can also do no wrong, so parents make excuses for their kids because any mistake reflects back badly on the parents. Narcissistic parents also don’t provide boundaries or consequences because perfect children don’t require these. What we end up with are parents who push their children to succeed, provide outside ancillary training to further that success, and have little tolerance for anything they perceive to be failures, because that means they are failures. Worse, they don’t provide any support in the form of love and praise because they see those emotions muddying the goals.

Larry Lauer, PhD., is the mental skills specialist for the United States Tennis Association Player Development Program and the former Director of Coaching Education and Development in the Institute for the Study of Youth Sports (ISYS) at Michigan State University. In the latter capacity, he researched tennis parents, coaching, coach education, aggression in hockey and life skills development in youth. His conclusions showed that parents don’t understand the true developmental levels of children in sports and have unrealistic ideas of what children are capable of accomplishing at various age levels.

In quizzing parents, he learned that few understood how both physical and mental development occurs. For example, in a roundtable discussion following the airing of "Trophy Kids," he commented on the football father constantly berating his son, "Why don’t you get it?!" The father expected that his physically developed 15-year-old son would have the adult mental development to match and should fully understand the nuanced structure of football plays and how to anticipate those plays. However, Dr. Lauer explains that for many kids, mental development in a sport lags behind the physical development.

As parents, we can’t expect our own children’s development to match or exceed that of other kids on the team. Yet we see a player with a fully developed "soccer brain" and believe that if our child would just try harder she could be as good or better. If she doesn’t achieve at that level we internalize that failure as our own. Dr. Lauer’s research also showed that kids who receive demonstrated love and praise from their parents have stronger self-images, fewer addiction problems, and succeed as measured by normal standards of success — graduating from school, getting a job, having a happy marriage, and possessing good health. He has observed few cases of parents being able to will their children into elite athletes, although we are aware of such cases: Andre Agassi, Tiger Woods, Todd Marinovich. In such cases we have also seen the players suffer through horrible personal demons. In the drive to create "test-tube athletes" something significant in the child’s development is lost: childhood.

Marinovich, in particular, provides a strong cautionary tale for parental manipulation. His father, a former lineman for USC and a strength and conditioning coach for the Oakland Raiders, began molding his son before he was a month old, taking over his diet, fitness, education and all life decisions. Todd trained more hours than he hit the school books and stuck to a regimented diet and curfew. By his senior year in high school, he had earned multiple honors such as Parade All-American and player of the year (1987) from both Dial and the Touchdown Club.

Recruited by USC to be their quarterback, he was the first freshman starting quarterback since World War II. But when he went to college, he was suddenly thrust into a world where his father no longer controlled his every move and decision. He imploded into drug and alcohol use, wild parties and missing classes. By the time he was recruited into the NFL, he was an addict and far behind in his emotional and decision-making maturity. Eventually he burned out in spectacular fashion. Drafted in 1991, he was out of the NFL by 1993 due to three failed drug tests. He made several comeback attempts, both with the NFL and the Canadian Football League, but couldn’t shake his demons.

Marinovich was part of the round-table discussion following "Trophy Kids." When asked what he would say to the football player who, after a particularly nasty fight with his father, ended up on the curb crying, Todd said, "I probably wouldn’t say anything. It would be more a hug." He admitted that the lack of evident oral and physical affection from his parents, especially his father, had everything to do with his poor choices later in life. Left without any self-confidence, a sense of being loved unconditionally, and a moral compass to handle decisions and adversity, he drifted into a world where drugs filled the void.

This isn’t to say that all kids with controlling, demanding parents will end up on drugs or homeless like Marinovich. But it does point out how damaging parental expectations can be. It is one thing to set the bar high and quite another to berate a child for not reaching the bar.

A positive example can be found in a recent viral video, which shows a father in England reacting to his son finally passing math. The son had lifted his course grade from an F to a C, and the father was uncontrollably delirious, hugging his son, laughing with joy, and giving him a shower of verbal praise. The joy on the son’s face was also stunning as both enjoyed the moment of achieving "averageness." It’s a strong lesson in how we should be parenting, proud of accomplishments no matter how small without any strings attached. The father didn’t push the achievement by adding, "Now maybe you can earn a B." He let the moment be just as it was. I would love to see where that kid lands in 10 years, but I’m imagining he’ll be happy and successful. Rather than demanding an A, the father simply wanted his son to pass.

As parents we should want our kids to find their own level of success without the pressure to excel. We can provide nurture as passion and talent dictate, but we need to check ourselves to be sure we aren’t misinterpreting or forcing passion and talent to serve our preconceived notions of where our children should place. Nurturing is a warm, gentle approach, not a typhoon of demands. We should educate ourselves in the milestones of athletic physical and mental development so we don’t have unrealistic expectations, and we should partner with our children, guiding them where we can and letting them lead where they should. It’s particularly important that we learn to listen. We may not end up with exceptional athletes, but we will end up with exceptionally happy children.

For more stories like this, visit usyouthsoccer.org.
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Articles for Parents to read and consider - Page 2 Empty Re: Articles for Parents to read and consider

Post by Guest 13/01/14, 05:10 pm

Tiki-taka wrote:Creating the Perfect Athlete
By Susan Boyd
For USYouthSoccer.org



A filmmaker and two doctors approached the subject of parents looking to create exceptional children through training, discipline and sheer force of desire. Beginning the discussion was Peter Berg, who directed the film "Friday Night Lights." His first topic on his sports-related documentary series "State of Play" on HBO was titled "Trophy Kids." He looked at four parents and five kids across the sports of football, basketball, golf and tennis.

The one-hour program was difficult to watch, showcasing overbearing parents pressuring their kids to aspire to the highest pinnacle of their sports. What we have regarded as stereotypes of “Type A” parenting played out over that hour to a frightening level.

A father swore unrelentingly at the referees and blamed many of his child’s basketball losses on the "95 percent of lousy officiating." The father of a 10-year-old golfer questioned officials on the legality of undue help he felt other parents were giving their children during a tournament, and cursed at his daughter under his breath when she failed to make the green. She probably didn’t hear the word, but she certainly got the message through his vocalizations and body language. At one point, he accused her of embarrassing him and threatened to "slap her across the face" if she didn’t do what he demanded.


A football father berated his son after every game for all his failings and for not being in the coach’s face to find out why he was benched. He generated his own before-school practices for his son and then yanked him around by his gear to get him to do what he wanted. A mother felt her two tennis sons had a talent given to them by God that she had a covenant to develop. She believed they would be the best doubles players ever, because they were ordained by God to prove His power.

What was most telling was the follow-up the filmmaker had four months after the primary filming. We learn the basketball player’s father readily admits that he could probably "have bought two Lamborghinis" with the money he spent privately training his son. The goal was a Division-I basketball scholarship; however, the offer he received was a five-year scholarship with a Division-II school.

The golfing daughter finally won a tournament where parents were not allowed on the course, but she still had not procured a sponsor, even though players much younger already had. The football player left his father’s home in Los Angeles and moved in with his mother in Seattle because, as he said, "My dad wasn’t a dad; he was a coach." The tennis players entered high school, tried out for the team and were put on the J.V. squad.

All of those footnotes highlighted that what the parents saw in their kids was rarely the reality of their talent. The basketball player was skilled at three-point shots, but that alone couldn’t sustain him at the next level, where defense, teamwork and speed on the court have equal importance. The football player was a tentative athlete at best and would probably never move beyond high school, no matter how driven his father was. The young man just didn’t have the heart of an elite athlete and certainly lacked many of the necessary skills. The tennis players, despite tons of extra practice, hadn’t risen to the level of exceptional. As a golfer, the young woman in the film had determination and some apparent skills, but she was still overshadowed by players two or three years younger, which did not bode well for her future at the top level of the sport.

The saddest part of the documentary was the lack of evident love and pride from these parents towards their children. The golfer’s father admitted in a voice-over that he was tremendously proud of his daughter and what she had achieved thus far, but he couldn’t let her know – not until "they" had accomplished the goals necessary to put her on top – because it would undercut her development. Mom couldn’t praise her sons because their tennis skills came not from them, but from God. They didn’t deserve the honor.


All his father could muster toward the football player was screaming at his son that if he didn’t love him he wouldn’t care at all what he did and not demand excellence of him. Love was supposedly demonstrated through harsh, demeaning judgment because it was making his son a man. The last image of the basketball player shows his father hugging him right after his team won the state championship. In a voice over the father states how the win gave him a reason to love his son.

While most of us aren’t as crazed or unforgiving as these four parents, who were obviously selected to make some strong points about sports direction, we all must admit that we have fallen prey to elements in the film. We may have questioned our child’s commitment to the sport, or drilled her about errors made on the field, or demanded that our sons speak up to coaches.

Our desire for our kids to succeed creates blinders to how good our children really are. When we believe them to be exceptional, we find ourselves incredulous that coaches and scouts don’t see the same thing. We may compare our children to other players on the team: "You’re faster than Jody. Why don’t you show it?" or, "How come you always let Sammy take the shot?"

While we may profess that we are just happy that our kids are playing a sport they enjoy, we all secretly harbor the dream that our son or daughter will be on the next Olympic team. That dream can make us expect unrealistic play and outcomes. With those expectations will come criticism, as if we could mold our child into that perfect, elite prodigy that writes the next great symphony, stars on Broadway, signs a $24 million contract with the Boston Red Sox, or invents the next Apple computer. We will push, cajole, beg, demean, discipline and intervene in an attempt to ensure that our child achieves at a level higher than he or she is capable of.

One of the doctors joining in on this discussion is Drew Pinsky, an internist who is also an addiction specialist. He has coined the phrase, "narcissistic parenting" to encapsulate these behaviors demonstrated in "Trophy Kids." He argues that it isn’t just a desire to live vicariously through our children’s accomplishments that makes a narcissistic parent. That’s a component, but he explains that it actually stems from our unwillingness to be seen as anything less than perfect in our abilities to manufacture the ideal child. We want people to believe that we have some exceptional parenting talent which anoints us with children skilled beyond all others.

This belief that, as parents, we are gifted in our parenting, means that our children can also do no wrong, so parents make excuses for their kids because any mistake reflects back badly on the parents. Narcissistic parents also don’t provide boundaries or consequences because perfect children don’t require these. What we end up with are parents who push their children to succeed, provide outside ancillary training to further that success, and have little tolerance for anything they perceive to be failures, because that means they are failures. Worse, they don’t provide any support in the form of love and praise because they see those emotions muddying the goals.

Larry Lauer, PhD., is the mental skills specialist for the United States Tennis Association Player Development Program and the former Director of Coaching Education and Development in the Institute for the Study of Youth Sports (ISYS) at Michigan State University. In the latter capacity, he researched tennis parents, coaching, coach education, aggression in hockey and life skills development in youth. His conclusions showed that parents don’t understand the true developmental levels of children in sports and have unrealistic ideas of what children are capable of accomplishing at various age levels.

In quizzing parents, he learned that few understood how both physical and mental development occurs. For example, in a roundtable discussion following the airing of "Trophy Kids," he commented on the football father constantly berating his son, "Why don’t you get it?!" The father expected that his physically developed 15-year-old son would have the adult mental development to match and should fully understand the nuanced structure of football plays and how to anticipate those plays. However, Dr. Lauer explains that for many kids, mental development in a sport lags behind the physical development.

As parents, we can’t expect our own children’s development to match or exceed that of other kids on the team. Yet we see a player with a fully developed "soccer brain" and believe that if our child would just try harder she could be as good or better. If she doesn’t achieve at that level we internalize that failure as our own. Dr. Lauer’s research also showed that kids who receive demonstrated love and praise from their parents have stronger self-images, fewer addiction problems, and succeed as measured by normal standards of success — graduating from school, getting a job, having a happy marriage, and possessing good health. He has observed few cases of parents being able to will their children into elite athletes, although we are aware of such cases: Andre Agassi, Tiger Woods, Todd Marinovich. In such cases we have also seen the players suffer through horrible personal demons. In the drive to create "test-tube athletes" something significant in the child’s development is lost: childhood.

Marinovich, in particular, provides a strong cautionary tale for parental manipulation. His father, a former lineman for USC and a strength and conditioning coach for the Oakland Raiders, began molding his son before he was a month old, taking over his diet, fitness, education and all life decisions. Todd trained more hours than he hit the school books and stuck to a regimented diet and curfew. By his senior year in high school, he had earned multiple honors such as Parade All-American and player of the year (1987) from both Dial and the Touchdown Club.

Recruited by USC to be their quarterback, he was the first freshman starting quarterback since World War II. But when he went to college, he was suddenly thrust into a world where his father no longer controlled his every move and decision. He imploded into drug and alcohol use, wild parties and missing classes. By the time he was recruited into the NFL, he was an addict and far behind in his emotional and decision-making maturity. Eventually he burned out in spectacular fashion. Drafted in 1991, he was out of the NFL by 1993 due to three failed drug tests. He made several comeback attempts, both with the NFL and the Canadian Football League, but couldn’t shake his demons.

Marinovich was part of the round-table discussion following "Trophy Kids." When asked what he would say to the football player who, after a particularly nasty fight with his father, ended up on the curb crying, Todd said, "I probably wouldn’t say anything. It would be more a hug." He admitted that the lack of evident oral and physical affection from his parents, especially his father, had everything to do with his poor choices later in life. Left without any self-confidence, a sense of being loved unconditionally, and a moral compass to handle decisions and adversity, he drifted into a world where drugs filled the void.

This isn’t to say that all kids with controlling, demanding parents will end up on drugs or homeless like Marinovich. But it does point out how damaging parental expectations can be. It is one thing to set the bar high and quite another to berate a child for not reaching the bar.

A positive example can be found in a recent viral video, which shows a father in England reacting to his son finally passing math. The son had lifted his course grade from an F to a C, and the father was uncontrollably delirious, hugging his son, laughing with joy, and giving him a shower of verbal praise. The joy on the son’s face was also stunning as both enjoyed the moment of achieving "averageness." It’s a strong lesson in how we should be parenting, proud of accomplishments no matter how small without any strings attached. The father didn’t push the achievement by adding, "Now maybe you can earn a B." He let the moment be just as it was. I would love to see where that kid lands in 10 years, but I’m imagining he’ll be happy and successful. Rather than demanding an A, the father simply wanted his son to pass.

As parents we should want our kids to find their own level of success without the pressure to excel. We can provide nurture as passion and talent dictate, but we need to check ourselves to be sure we aren’t misinterpreting or forcing passion and talent to serve our preconceived notions of where our children should place. Nurturing is a warm, gentle approach, not a typhoon of demands. We should educate ourselves in the milestones of athletic physical and mental development so we don’t have unrealistic expectations, and we should partner with our children, guiding them where we can and letting them lead where they should. It’s particularly important that we learn to listen. We may not end up with exceptional athletes, but we will end up with exceptionally happy children.

For more stories like this, visit usyouthsoccer.org.


I am sorry, while I agree with a lot of that article I think it takes it too far.  The dad in England celebrated his kids "averageness.?"  He simply wanted his son to pass?  

Slow down there dad, with expectations like that your kid might end making a poor living, just getting by and slogging through life.  

How about you push kids appropriately and instill in them the value of hard work and achievement? Praise them for real achievements and not mundane average performance.  Unless the kid had a learning disability, had less than average intelligence or some other problem, then I see no reason to do cart wheels over C grades.  

It reminds of the "Wall of Focker" from the Meet the Parents movies.  Let's put up our kids 7th place ribbons, make a shrine to his averageness and tell him the world will rejoice with him.  

Sorry, the world is not like that and to teach your kids that lesson is a misstep in my book.

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Articles for Parents to read and consider - Page 2 Empty Re: Articles for Parents to read and consider

Post by Tiki-taka 13/05/14, 11:20 am

http://changingthegameproject.com/surviving-tryout-season/
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Articles for Parents to read and consider - Page 2 Empty The One Question Every Parent Should Quit Asking

Post by Tiki-taka 18/01/15, 12:35 pm

written by Scott Dannemiller  
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/scott-dannemiller/the-one-question-every-parent-should-quit-asking_b_6182248.html

"It's like she's not even practicing."

Audrey's piano teacher was standing in front of me, giving her honest assessment. Her eyes were kind, and her voice soft, but my parental guilt turned her statement into a question. One I couldn't answer. So I just faked a diarrhea attack and ran to the restroom.

Once we got home, I was determined to show Miss Amanda that my daughter could be the next Liberace, only more bedazzled than the original. So we opened her music book and got to work.

We sat side-by-side at the piano for all of 10 minutes when Audrey began to fade. She wasn't even looking at the notes. Her back slouched. Her fingers barely pressed the keys. I tried to be encouraging, but every half-hearted effort from her quickly depleted my well of schmoopieness.

"Sweetheart," I said, in a tone that didn't match the pet name. "Don't you want to be good at this?"

She didn't say anything. She just made a weird sound. Like a dolphin moaning. So I asked again.

"Honey. Don't you want to be good at piano?"

"No." She answered, with a look.

Has my 6-year-old mastered the art of spitefulness?

"Fine," I said, calling her bluff. "I guess we just won't practice anymore. And we'll keep wasting Miss Amanda's time going over the same things every week."

I got up and walked to the kitchen where my son was busy not doing his homework.

"Jake! What are you doing?! Finish your homework! We have to leave for basketball practice in 10 minutes! Let's go! You're not even dressed!"

Not my best parenting moment. The entire evening went on like this, with me incessantly jabbing at the kids and them fighting me every step of the way. Piano. Basketball. Homework. Hygiene. Lather, rinse, repeat. A never-ending well of cajoling. I thought to myself,

They are both getting saddles for Christmas. That way, at least I'll be comfortable when I'm riding their asses all the time.

I am not proud of it, but the simple truth is that I worry about my kids and their level of engagement. And maybe you do, too. As a dad, I frequently feel myself getting sucked into the vortex of expectations. All the other parents are talking about great opportunities they are providing for their kids. Special summer camps. Foreign language learning. Private tutors. Music lessons. Coaching clinics. And when I hear how other kids are participating in these activities, I can't help but feel that my children will be left behind or left out if they don't take part. I "awfulize" a future where other kids are having fun together, solving quadratic equations and getting six-figure jobs out of junior high while mine are both sitting in the corner eating Elmer's Glue straight from the bottle.

And it's all my fault.

So, in an effort to prepare our kids for the dog-eat-dog, competitive world before them, we fill their days with activity. Schedule them from dawn to dusk to maximize their potential. So they can learn. And grow.

But I fear that in our quest to help them, we may actually be hurting them.

"Free time" for kids has been steadily declining since the 1950s. In one particular study, from 1981 to 1997, kids experienced a 25 percent decrease in play time and a 55 percent decrease in time talking with others at home. In contrast, time spent on homework increased by 145 percent, and time spent shopping with parents increased by 168 percent.

But is that bad?

I think it is.

A research project by Jean Twenge, professor of psychology at San Diego State, looked at psychological trends in youth during a similar period and noticed a sharp increase in anxiety and depression. Our kids are more stressed out than before. And that's not the only change. Another Twenge study shows a surprising shift in motivation over the years, with kids in the 60s and 70s reporting being more motivated by intrinsic ideals (self-acceptance, affiliation and community) while kids today are more motivated by extrinsic ideals (money, image and fame).

And we're the ones pushing them in that direction.

As parents, we focus 100 percent of our energy asking the wrong question:

"What might we miss if we don't take advantage of these opportunities?"

And we need to stop.

Why?

Because the motivation behind this question is fear. And the fear is all mine.

I worry that that my kids will be made fun of if they don't have socially acceptable "stuff." I worry they won't become elite athletes unless they specialize in a sport by age 10. I worry that they won't get into college if they don't do well in school.

But the fears are largely unfounded.

The "stuff" issue is easily overcome with common sense. No one in the history of the world has ever been able to buy a true friend. And in the athletic realm, kids who specialize in sports are no better off than those who don't, and in some cases, the specialization is actually a detriment.

As for the academic worry, that may be the biggest unfounded fear of all. We buy into the hype that college is much more competitive today, so we push our kids to take advantage of every learning opportunity under the sun. The truth is, in the past 10 years, admissions counselors saw their average number of applications nearly double because of parents like us. We're frantically submitting applications out of fear. Even so, colleges are still accepting two-thirds of all applicants on average. A number that has hardly decreased in a decade.

But we still believe the hype.

Bottom line: we parents need to chill out and change our questions. Here are two that can help us all gain some perspective and start finding more genuine joy in our lives.

Question #1: "What are we losing in our quest for success?"

If you are like me, most valuable parts of your childhood did not take place in a special classroom or perfect practice field. Sure, you had teachers and parents to encourage you to do your best and work toward a goal, but that was balanced by plenty of other worthwhile pursuits such as tearing apart a Stretch Armstrong doll to see what was inside, building bike ramps in the driveway, and racing leaf boats through a drainage ditch in a rainstorm.

But we've sacrificed these things in pursuit of an ideal, and we've turned our children into little mini-adults in the process. Tiny professionals who have no time for brain-building, soul-boosting play during the week, so they desperately cram it into a weekend schedule packed with structured sports and recitals.

It's sad.

But the bigger issue is this:

Question #2: "What's the ultimate goal?"

Encouraging a child's potential is a good thing. And there is nothing wrong with extracurricular activities. They teach worthwhile skills and instill core values in a child. Values such as discipline, commitment, goal-setting, and persistence. And providing these opportunities is my job as a parent.

But there is a big difference between wanting what's best for your kids, and wanting them to be the best.

Wanting what's best for your kids is all about the child. It's about helping them find something they are passionate about so they are intrinsically driven to reveal the strengths that God gave them, whether in art, music, sports, writing, academics, or community service.

Wanting them to be the best is all about me. My expectations. My fears. So I yell at them from the stands, correct them after lessons, and coax them into activities that suck the fun out of childhood. And in the process, I teach them that their worth is wrapped up in how they perform. I teach them that second place is losing. I teach them that judgment is more important than love and acceptance.

And it is so wrong.

Because being the best should NOT be the goal. If I asked you to name the last five winners of the Academy Award for best actor, could you do it? How about the last five World Series winning pitchers? Last five Nobel Prize winners in medicine? I'd venture to guess, based on absolutely no scientific evidence, that only 10 percent of you could do it. At the most. And these are examples of people who have achieved the pinnacle of their profession. Known the world over.

And we forget them.

But what if I were to ask you to list the five people who have meant the most to you in your life? The ones who taught you what it means to be a true friend. A person of integrity. I know without a doubt that 100 percent of us could do it in a heartbeat. And the list would be filled with people who never had a highway or high school named after them. People who never had their name carved on a ceremonial trophy.

But here's the kicker.

The mere thought of their faces likely makes your heart swell. Might even bring a tear to your eye.

And this, my friends, is the goal. To be on the list for our kids. So that they might be on someone else's list someday. And no amount of fear and anxious prodding will accomplish that for us. In this constantly correcting, constantly evaluating world, there has to be space for acceptance. Space for presence. Space where time isn't measured in tenths of a second, but in turns taken on a colorful Candy Land board.

And only love can do that.

So my prayer today is that we have nothing but love to give. May we offer it daily.

Without condition.

Without worry.

Without regret.

Scott Dannemiller is a writer, blogger, worship leader and former missionary with the Presbyterian Church. He writes the blog The Accidental Missionary, where this post first appeared.
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Post by Guest 18/01/15, 01:14 pm

frankly i am out of that game. I am the ride to practice, if you want to be late because you laid around and wanted to watch american idol reruns, or fart around on instagram, that's their problem and they can explain it to the coach. Amazing how much less yelling and cajoling there is , when the responsibility falls on them...

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Post by Tiki-taka 10/08/15, 09:02 am

http://www.socceramerica.com/article/59821/shannon-macmillan-a-world-champs-view-on-coachin.html
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Post by santos.l.halper 15/10/15, 12:24 pm

I didn't see this sticky on great articles. Here in case you missed the thread in the general section last week.

If you are not familiar with the "relative age effect" and its impacts on our kids, you might want to read this. This rings true to my experience with my kids and the ones I coach too.

http://changingthegameproject.com/help-my-child-is-a-late-bloomer-5-tips-for-overcoming-the-relative-age-effect-in-youth-sports/

To be clear, here are the takeaways from the article and studies mentioned in it:

1. There is a clear and statistically proven effect of what age a child is in competitive sports, in relation to their peers on the team and league. The studies across many sports show that a child on the younger end of the age group is at a competitive disadvantage due to their "relative age gap" in that group. This is true regardless of whether the playing year starts on Jan 1 or Aug 1.
1.A. A related point is that if your DD has a late year birthday (Oct, Nov, Dec), she is currently one of the older kids on her team, but in the new system, she will be among the youngest. So heads up

2. There are some studies that show that the younger players / late bloomers can overcome this gap and become elite players of their sport. The interesting question is how, which leads to the next point...

3. The focus of the article (and my post) is to sensitize parents and coaches of this gap, and to provide suggestions for how to encourage and coach our kids who are late bloomers not to be discouraged, and to focus on their own development of the things they can do something about (skill, reps, vision, fitness, etc.). They will probably (but not always) "catch up" on the physical development.

4. Smaller players can compete with larger stronger players in different ways. I am not saying "smaller = better". Yes, if two players are comparable in skill, but one is much more athletically built, I cant blame a college coach for giving a scholarship to the bigger one or national team coach for giving the playing time to the one with size. But at the ages of our kids, all players (regardless of size) should develop the skills, intelligence, and fitness they would need.

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Post by db10 15/10/15, 01:12 pm

Three great videos I found. Some in there for players, some for coaches, and even some in there for us parents.

The Truth about Achievement
Grading Character
Fear and Failure

http://whatdriveswinning.com/#video-link

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Post by Guest 15/10/15, 01:40 pm

Saw the grading character vid a few days ago. Absolutely awesome stuff from coach Dorrance. Makes me wish my kid was good enough to play for UNC.

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Post by go99 15/10/15, 03:39 pm

I think I am going to throw up pale
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Post by jjohnson90210 15/10/15, 09:25 pm

One thing to consider, why should the parent (who is generally not a coach) be telling their player what they did wrong to begin with. For the most part your feedback is going to be specific to your daughter, and probably the opposite of what the coach would tell them. Sure if you watch enough games you can tell her that her touch or shot could have been better, but do you know how to fix it? What is the point of going over what they did wrong if you cannot offer solutions? It would be far better to tell them to talk to their coach if they were unhappy with their performance to see what they suggest vs. acting like a coach and trying to critique their performance when you are not an expert, and you are presumably paying a coach to coach them. This is what creates unnecessary problems between players and coaches. If the player is as good as the parent thinks they are or should be then repeated viewing of the player making the same mistakes and reviewing them over and over again doesn't solve anything so of course the player won't like that. If you don't trust the coach that is one thing, but most of the time the players know what they did wrong, it serves very little purpose to go over it with the parents in the car since they generally are not in a position to critique the player appropriately, however this is where most parents cannot hand over control, they thing no matter how good the coach is they know what their player needs to work on and will drive down their self confidence by going over it after every game and make that player shut down. Yes their are some very self motivated players, and those players for sure don't need their parents input because they are so self motivated, and they are the ones that typically advance the quickest. The parents critique does NOT improve the player.

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Post by Guest 16/10/15, 08:08 am

Too many generalizations. Seen enough kids whose self confidence was cut down by one coach before they change teams and then blossom. Kids tune out the parents eventually, but negative input from a coach can have lasting impact on a player's performance...far more than parent speeches imo.

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Post by TatonkaBurger 16/10/15, 09:26 am

jjohnson90210 wrote:If the player is as good as the parent thinks they are or should be then repeated viewing of the player making the same mistakes and reviewing them over and over again doesn't solve anything so of course the player won't like that.

The player is never as good as the parents think they are.  Trust me.  Talk about the epidemic in NTX soccer.
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Post by AbEnd 16/10/15, 10:22 am

Sounds like the Florida parents are similar to those in North Texas:

Dave Barry's Q&A for Soccer Parents

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Post by Lefty 16/10/15, 11:52 am

TatonkaBurger wrote:
jjohnson90210 wrote:If the player is as good as the parent thinks they are or should be then repeated viewing of the player making the same mistakes and reviewing them over and over again doesn't solve anything so of course the player won't like that.

The player is never as good as the parents think they are.  Trust me.  Talk about the epidemic in NTX soccer.

That is usually the case, but the other truth is that the parents are the only people in the system who have their DD's best interests at the top of their priorities.  Not the coach, not the club, not the manager.

The article in this link is the real problem with a pay to play / relegation setup like we have.

http://changingthegameproject.com/our-biggest-mistake-talent-selection-instead-of-talent-identification/


Last edited by Lefty on 16/10/15, 12:06 pm; edited 2 times in total

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Post by Guest 16/10/15, 11:57 am

Lefty wrote:the other truth is that the parents are the only people in the system who have their DD's best interests at the top of their priorities.  Not the coach, not the club, not the manager.

This is 1,000% TRUE!

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Post by Guest 16/10/15, 12:16 pm

4-3-3 wrote:
Lefty wrote:the other truth is that the parents are the only people in the system who have their DD's best interests at the top of their priorities.  Not the coach, not the club, not the manager.

This is 1,000% TRUE!
+3

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Post by jm23jm 16/10/15, 05:19 pm

4-3-3 wrote:
Lefty wrote:the other truth is that the parents are the only people in the system who have their DD's best interests at the top of their priorities.  Not the coach, not the club, not the manager.

This is 1,000% TRUE!

I concur! Parents know what is best for their DD.  Not every kid is the same....what works for one might not work for another.

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Post by Lefty 17/10/15, 08:56 am

peace11 wrote:
4-3-3 wrote:
Lefty wrote:the other truth is that the parents are the only people in the system who have their DD's best interests at the top of their priorities.  Not the coach, not the club, not the manager.

This is 1,000% TRUE!

I concur! Parents know what is best for their DD.  Not every kid is the same....what works for one might not work for another.

Don't think 'having their DD's best interest at the top of their priorities' and 'knowing what is best for their DD' are necessarily the same.

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Post by jogobonito06 17/10/15, 09:22 am

Lefty wrote:
peace11 wrote:
4-3-3 wrote:
Lefty wrote:the other truth is that the parents are the only people in the system who have their DD's best interests at the top of their priorities.  Not the coach, not the club, not the manager.

This is 1,000% TRUE!

I concur! Parents know what is best for their DD.  Not every kid is the same....what works for one might not work for another.

Don't think 'having their DD's best interest at the top of their priorities' and 'knowing what is best for their DD' are necessarily the same.

It rarely is.
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Post by Lefty 17/10/15, 04:27 pm

jogobonito07 wrote:
Lefty wrote:
peace11 wrote:
4-3-3 wrote:
Lefty wrote:the other truth is that the parents are the only people in the system who have their DD's best interests at the top of their priorities.  Not the coach, not the club, not the manager.

This is 1,000% TRUE!

I concur! Parents know what is best for their DD.  Not every kid is the same....what works for one might not work for another.

Don't think 'having their DD's best interest at the top of their priorities' and 'knowing what is best for their DD' are necessarily the same.

It rarely is.

But 95% of the coaches in NTX don't know either.

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Post by P3nn 30/10/15, 04:40 pm

hm

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